How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please


It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.


I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.


me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what


Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand.


I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.


Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..


Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.