reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.