How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe