What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*
How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– most kinds of bear
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs