@WheelTod

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

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@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”

@Ristolable

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

@UncleDuke1969

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

@hippieswordfish

joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*

@CrazyUncIeJoe

How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

@MunkMania

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

@roxiqt

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

@Book_Krazy

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

@figgled

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs