How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.