How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas