@lemonmartinis

How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute

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@Sickayduh

ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.

@PleaseBeGneiss

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

@newLettuce

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

@thetigersez

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@ramjitsingh_

It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.

@Scdavis24

I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!

@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

@ericonederful

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.