ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.
HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.
How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
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Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.