HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
You Might Also Like
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.