How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.