Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.