How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”