How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Never forget.
that wasn’t the question
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Monday?
No. Next question.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.