How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
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What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.