Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Breaking news:

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow