How to walk around a museum
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
#FunnyLife Insects
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.