How to walk around a museum
You Might Also Like
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder