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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Pretty much. 🤣
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.