How to woo a woman
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Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.