How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”