How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]