How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust