How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
5 ways to appear taller
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”