How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
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re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Duck typos.
My life coach traded me.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama