How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.