Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist: