How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Google assistant rules
