Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

🔥🔥

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

yeet

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.