Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

anyone else like Italian cereal

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.