– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You Might Also Like
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Said the murderer.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then