– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?