Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.