“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The government even made aliens boring
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.