How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
🤔😂😂
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
May have had one breakfast too many
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.