How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’d rather go liquor treating.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.