Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it