Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.