“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Beware…..
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.