“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
If a snake ate a cake
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”