“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?