Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.