How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.