Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.