Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Happens to everyone.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

birds and squirrels envy us

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!