How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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Baller is short for ballerina
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.