How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Boating season is upon us.
True statement👍😏😁
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol