Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law