Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A French press is when you hug naked

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

an octopus is just a wet spider

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?