How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Always this one for me forever
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣