How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems