How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!