Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣