How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Brands during Pride
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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ME: finally a program for me