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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
This meal prepping shit is easy
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?