How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.