How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
That’s amazing.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Friends that check up on you >
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security