How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.