Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.