Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…