“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
A decision was made here.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️