“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet