Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Trumpy Cat

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms