Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Is your wife single?

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.