Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?