“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Twitter fine art
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?