“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham