“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Warm pools make me nervous.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…