“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges