“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.