“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
This is my favorite one of these!
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom