“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I have questions??
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
181.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
