Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.