Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

#StillHurts

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago