Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Life hack

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

they split up moments later

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.