How wrong was this guy?
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I would move hell over six inches for you
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.