How wrong was this guy?
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”