*Seductively hides in the woods
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.