Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

This is a whole mood;

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets